Sleeping Alone

E is in Colorado for a week for work, which means that I am stuck here with the two kids and a very hyper dog.  The days aren’t too bad because this is what I do all summer anyway, although the cold and rainy weather has made it a  little more difficult since I don’t want to try to take the kids anywhere and I can’t even send J to play outside with some of her friends.  But for the most part the two kids keep themselves and eachother occupied for most of the day with minimal fighting.  Right now they just finished breakfast and are playing in Z’s room with his cars and I am sitting in the living room with Oscar, watching the Today Show.

Nights suck, though.  Once dinner has been eaten and the kids have been put to bed there’s not much else to do and I get lonely and bored.  On one hand, I enjoy the quiet time to myself, uninterrupted time to knit and to watch whatever I want on the TV.  But when E is gone I’m only reminded of how much I look forward to our evenings together, to finally being able to talk to another adult after a day of dealing with two kids.  I’m not a big fan of the phone so I don’t call anyone, and chatting online got old years ago.  So I usually just put in a DVD of “The Office” or “How I Met Your Mother” and knit or play a game on the computer.  Eventually, usually only when I’ve finally gotten so tired that I’m nodding off in my chair, I have to attempt to go to bed.  And that’s the part I hate the most.  E is not big on cuddling at night most of the time, and at least half the time I end up going to bed earlier than him anyway.  But not having the presence of him in bed with me is the loneliest part.  I don’t usually realize how much just knowing that he’s there helps.  When he’s here I don’t notice that I listen for his breathing when I wake up in the middle of the night.  When I get a little chilly and roll over, he’s not there for me to cuddle up against and warm up, my own personal heater.  When Oscar wakes me up between 6 and 6:30 in the morning to go out, I don’t hear E in the bathroom taking a shower or getting ready for work.  Nights like this week’s remind me of what it was like before I had him and even though sometimes I look back at my single life and miss it a little, I know I wouldn’t want to live like that again.  It’s amazingly reassuring just knowing that he’s here or close by and I’m missing that right now.  Some of my friends are supposed to come over sometime this week to hang out and watch movies and play some games and that will be a nice break in the monotony, but I will eventually have to go back to that bed and sleep alone again.  Friday can’t come fast enough.

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About cutthefool

writing to keep myself sane
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